when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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