god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
