i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
