apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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