grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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