if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
