My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
