I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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