I never want to see another naked old woman again.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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