I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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