dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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