If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
