we're blogging at a bar
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
a search helicopter?!
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
