Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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