A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
