Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
