i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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