laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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