you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
