I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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