I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
