I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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