god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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