I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
