I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
