The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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