Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
