I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
