need another drink. this is the easiest way
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
