Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
