dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
