I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Congratulations! We have a period
try to milk me bitch
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