someone threw a dead crab at me
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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