Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
