All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
