If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
