Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
