More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
