dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
