he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
