Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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