you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
