I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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