mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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