We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
