I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
