So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
no you cant smoke seaweed
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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