Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
