My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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