I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My dick has a subreddit
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
