We won't sleep together?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
